It has been far too long since I have sat down and poured out my soul... Where has that fire to write been placed? It seems the flames have died into soft churning embers... On a deep level, that bothers me. A man is nothing if he cannot understand the experiences he has endured. For me, that understanding comes through the release of my soul. Unless I can cut the chains of my thoughts and let the winds of the Spirit carry them away, I cannot clearly see the meaning He has led me to. The weather forecast for this journal...cloudy, with a slight chance of rain...

A dear friend of mine wondered where her imagination had gone; as she grew, it seemed to slip away. Yet she is as creative as ever... I sigh and wonder where my passion has gone. Who are we, such feeble men? I do not doubt that my passion remains buried within my soul. Yet in this moment of weakness, I believe that my passion is gone. Return to me, my soul, so that I may comfort thee and set you free... Free to release your passion upon my world and decimate this foul fog that clouds my mind. This cloud that dims my thoughts, slows them to a furiating staleness... It is maddening...

So strange is my heart, my mind, my soul... Fourty minutes ago I was playing with a computer program, completing an entertaining questionaire. Now I writhe in self-pity? No, this is not self-pity. This is release. This journal is not for you to read and to pity. Do not pity me. I am filled with friendships, hopes, dreams, and the promise of eternity. There is no need for anything but enlightenment when reading this writing. Simply a glimpse into this struggle that more people than I endure. This is merely a small excuse to return to the joy and sorrow that release brings to me.

Release... I still have yet to release my soul... Still far too much to endure. This life full of responsibity. No time to grieve, no time for anything... Caught in the middle of my soul...and my life. "My Life." This cruel facade. I burn with the desire to do what my soul shouts to do. Yet, here I die, pleasing the world. Since when have I worried about pleasing the world and doing what is ultimately expected of me? Like a plague, this expectation contaminates... People only want what is best for me. And what they think is best for me is a good education, then a good income, and then a good home and family. I want the education, I want the home, and I want the home and family. But what people don't understand are my views of the world. They are upside down! To me, good is not Ivy League. To me, good is not a six figure income. To me, good is not a large home, a beautiful wife, or behaving kids. To me... Good is the experience that brings education. Good is the joyfilled work that brings the income. Good is the loving wife and God given children that makes the steel and wood a home. This all may sound like it came from a Hallmark Christmas card, but who really lives this and feels these words resonate throughout their soul? Who has let themselves become slave to the expectations of this world? Me and ME.... I am torn within.

Yet, my life is filled with people who love me. I am a strong, healthy, and fortunate young man. There are few people who would say I have not been blessed throughout my life. I just wish there was someone who could explain why I deserve it. One of the hardest things I have had to do, is understand that God loves me no matter what. Unconditional Love. I have accepted it, and I move on. I move along His path. He trims me to be the garden that will put forth the ripest fruit it can bear. I have much trimming and sewing to be done, but the water continues to flow. I love the Lord and all that He has done for me. Thank you Lord, for my life. It's always to You that I return. Through everything. Wherever this life has taken me, I am always returning to you. This keeps me going. Knowing that I can always Return... I Return to You...